My name is Nicole and I don’t know where this is going but I am 16, from England and an emotional wreck.
I can honestly say that my life has been a roller-coaster ride and sure some peoples are worse and some have it better but it still had its ups and downs and the downs almost broke me.
I’ve learnt one thing though…as easily as things can start to go downhill, they can just as easily make their way back up again so keep trying and as cliche as it sounds, one day your life will be how you pictured you just have to wait it out.
I know that you can make it through what you are going through, I know that you can laugh and smile through the tears, the pain and the heartbreak. When you feel as though it is all over, I know that you can find just one more reason to hold on. To somehow trick yourself into believing that life is worth living.
And hey, you might be reading this and thinking, “I am perfectly happy”….then good. Stay that way, I want you to be happy, I want you all to be happy.
I was 16 years old when I took an overdose on my brothers birthday, I had been contemplating with the thought of taking my own life for two years, two long, horrific years. I thought there was no way back up, that I would forever be the girl who didn’t smile, laugh or even try and sometimes I still do but no matter what, you won’t always be that person even if you think you still are.
I can honestly say that I am glad that I ended up in hospital and survived. My whole family is somewhat thankful for what I did as through the awful situation our family finally pulled together. The few months following my suicide attempt weren’t easy, they never were going to be. I had to really try, to believe that things may get better. I was forced into taking antidepressants, I was told that I had an eating disorder, my psychiatrist didn’t know how to treat me. Lots of people gave up but people do that. It sounds harsh but relying on people will always have its consequences.
I wanted to give up again, I hurt myself more than I ever had before, I put my body through hell and I believed I was getting better when really I was just killing myself slowly.
I have scars that I am not proud of, scars I will have to learn to accept and live with. I have a body that I hate a lot of the time but really I am going to have to one day learn to love. I have a past I wish I could erase but in reality it made me who I am. The person I don’t think I would now change.
What I am trying to say is, things happen and I am sure my future will hold many more struggles as will yours. Everyones will. But that is no way to live, you can’t live each day dreading the next even if your mind is convinced you should. Try to wake up each day and find a reason to smile, it can be as stupid as your eyebrow game is strong that day or that you get to see one of your best friends soon. It could be anything, try to turn negatives into positives, try to put yourself out there and try things you never would have previously.
Make today the day things change. The day you begin to fight back.
I promise you that one day this will all be worth it.
Just remember that there will always be someone who needs you and you should never think you are alone.